Take off your clothes
They hate shopping, love the remote, hate their mother-in-law, love their organ, hate your girlfriends, love football, hate pop music, love Harleys... see what I mean?
They're easy. All a girl has to be is smart- well, she already is, but if she didn't let her over powering love for the man blind her- she'll make him think he's top dog while he actually could be licking your hands.
Am not sure how well this is gonna go down with my readers, considering the fact that most of them happen to be men! But...
And S, honey, you've told me disclaimers are to be at the end of an article, but woman that I am, I conveniently forgot. It not only is allowed, but it’s in fact expected. I've known my boyfriends to be thrilled when they pounce on my absentmindedness and classify it to lack of efficiency and hence stroke their pride themselves with a line going- 'She just can't do without me'!
Ok- so where were we? Shopping ha!
We women cannot be stereotyped. No, seriously. For every two women you've seen who loves babies, there exists one who thinks the curse of eve was designed specifically to be avoided. The same with our view on cats, our attitude towards your mothers, your ex-girlfriends and your sense of humor.
Oh come on, don't argue here. Men are easier to classify. Dumb and dumber. S, sweetheart- you are special.
So every guy thinks we spend ages inside a store. It is expected.
When we entered the store to buy a grey Tee with a collar and no sleeves (summer!), I know everything about it. Including my size. And I am the kind of woman who doesn't have to try it on and sashay in front of the mirror.
"That's it?” S asks me a little incredulously. He doesn't want to sound too incredulous and be the one to make me realize that maybe I do need more clothes.
"Yeah. Lets go..."
"Are you sure there's nothing else you want? Like...", here he throws his hand vaguely about. The hint I am supposed to take here is the fact of his boyish charm in his lack of knowledge about women's clothing. I don't fall for it. He knows his A, B, C, Gs and very well at that.
We walk towards the counter. He's thoughtful.
"Is it something I said?"
HUH? He’s always saying things. But remember, I am forgetful. Or I chose to be!
"Is it because of the row over the low waist denim?"
I wish he was as forgetful as I pretended to be!
"Nope. I really don't need anything else!"
The lady at the perfume counter walks over and introduces herself. She then coaxes him to try on some perfume. Oh- not on him. On me! And after the misty spray settles on the skin of my hand, he sniffs it.
"Mmmm... Smells divine"
I DON'T infer that maybe he thinks the perfume I am wearing isn't good. Benefit of doubt. Or I'll deal with it later. Is Axe the only thing around, is something I wont ask him!
I nod my head. Yeah- it’s nice.
"Do you want it?"
Ok- before you all think otherwise- I'm paying.
He is now convinced something's terribly wrong.
He takes my hand. He's really become fond of the perfume.
The road to the counter is full of distractions.
Copper sulfate blue and watermelon pink. Two shades that catch our eye.
He sees the interest in my eyes. It’s just the color, damn it! Walking over, I flip to look at the label.
Size and price.
I'm paying, remember?
One doesn't fit. And he knows what of the two, exactly.
I walk on...
"Why?" he wails!
I turn around, along with all the people around!
"It looks lovely!" ,and hastily, "You'll look wonderful in it. And remember you wanted something for the party over the weekend? This is perfect!"
I see envious looks from all the women around. Ok- they can have him!
I smile, a little strained by now. "I don't really need it now. Let's go..."
"Oh come on... Why don't you try it on?"
I see suspicious looks from the people around- maybe he works for the store.
"Honey, another time… "
The word reassures them that he belongs to me. The drama once again becomes interesting.
"And you have the perfect accessories for it. Those earrings we just bought, they'd go and so well with this".
Many of the women regret their marriage. Maybe they married in haste.
I laugh to dispel all the unwanted feelings in the air.
Pulling me closer to him, he picks up the outfit and says, "There. Just you look how good it is on you. Isn't it?"
Many disagree, I can see that.
Patting my rump playfully, he adds. "Go try it on. Let's see".
Shriveling from embarrassment, I run to the refuge of the trial room.
I don't give him my purse to carry. Neither do I hand him the baby I don't have, while I try on something!
Taking a few deep breaths to calm me down, I linger longer inside, so that the interested crowd of dissatisfied women get back to their lives.
Coming out after standing blankly, looking at the mirror that mirrors my sullen looks, I step out to an audience!
"Superb!” I hear him yell!
What’s with his volume?! Wincing, I try smiling and walking back into where I was before I became a model on the ramp.
He catches my arm and does a twirl! Kissing me on my lips, he looks at me fondly.
We are in CHENNAI for heaven's sake! And we were only shopping!
After the whole session of display of affection and very publicly at that, S lets me change into my sober yet another grey tee and jeans long unwashed.
We walk together till the counter which is hardly two steps away. Envious looks and smiles from women all around assail me.
They don't see the fact that I am the one who is paying.
I walk away with a dress I never wanted in the first place! And a boyfriend who's turned stranger by the minute!
Now, if alone I lay my hands on whoever it is who's informed the male species that women like pink dresses!!!!!
Why the hell is the woman at Pizza Hut smiling at him now for? Was she in the store? Or is it something I can’t see?!
Any takers for him? He's available at the price of a watermelon pink dress. I have the bill intact.