I finally publish

Saturday, January 03, 2009

The next first time I meet you

This is where I always wait for you. And I always wait.

I don't exactly know what it is I wait for. That first glimpse? That overwhelming feeling oh so inexplicable when I first lay my eyes on you? Or is it I wait for you to disappoint me by not coming? You buy that quiet certainty which is a recomposed emotion that I put out for you pretty effortlessly. I've become an expert at hiding my emotions. I'm becoming more of a woman everyday.

Every vehicle that pulls closer to the curb of my house, the eyes shine a lil more. So many vehicles pull closer to that curb... The eyes dim a lil with disappointment every time its not you. In those moments between anticipation and disappointment, I live. Life is a process of slow disenchantment. You don't think Sleeping Beauty ever regretted being kissed awake? She found comfort in the story that was her. Somewhere in it she held close the purpose of her existence.

I don't know the exact direction you will come from. The head turns restlessly this side and the other. I don't want to know anything for sure. So I pretend to be unbiased and look on either side of the road at not so equal intervals. I gave you all my love. It didn't matter to you that much.

In that first moment where I see you before you see me, I crease out the folds of the silliest smile you ever saw. You never saw rather.

And then I see you. The feelings that rush up... one of these days I'll learn to not hurt so much.

I hang up my face and pick up my collected mask. You know it better. I'm learning to know it better too.

I don't rush into your arms. You don't open them for me.

We meet a zillion first times.