Friday, April 28, 2006

Take off your clothes

I was reading an article on men and their attitude towards shopping. Now, I've always had a soft corner to the guy species because of the fact that they were consistent. Hell, you've seen one- you've seen them all.

They hate shopping, love the remote, hate their mother-in-law, love their organ, hate your girlfriends, love football, hate pop music, love Harleys... see what I mean?

They're easy. All a girl has to be is smart- well, she already is, but if she didn't let her over powering love for the man blind her- she'll make him think he's top dog while he actually could be licking your hands.

Am not sure how well this is gonna go down with my readers, considering the fact that most of them happen to be men! But...

And S, honey, you've told me disclaimers are to be at the end of an article, but woman that I am, I conveniently forgot. It not only is allowed, but it’s in fact expected. I've known my boyfriends to be thrilled when they pounce on my absentmindedness and classify it to lack of efficiency and hence stroke their pride themselves with a line going- 'She just can't do without me'!

Ok- so where were we? Shopping ha!

We women cannot be stereotyped. No, seriously. For every two women you've seen who loves babies, there exists one who thinks the curse of eve was designed specifically to be avoided. The same with our view on cats, our attitude towards your mothers, your ex-girlfriends and your sense of humor.

Oh come on, don't argue here. Men are easier to classify. Dumb and dumber. S, sweetheart- you are special.



So every guy thinks we spend ages inside a store. It is expected.

When we entered the store to buy a grey Tee with a collar and no sleeves (summer!), I know everything about it. Including my size. And I am the kind of woman who doesn't have to try it on and sashay in front of the mirror.

"That's it?” S asks me a little incredulously. He doesn't want to sound too incredulous and be the one to make me realize that maybe I do need more clothes.

"Yeah. Lets go..."

"Are you sure there's nothing else you want? Like...", here he throws his hand vaguely about. The hint I am supposed to take here is the fact of his boyish charm in his lack of knowledge about women's clothing. I don't fall for it. He knows his A, B, C, Gs and very well at that.

"Nope"

We walk towards the counter. He's thoughtful.

"Is it something I said?"

HUH? He’s always saying things. But remember, I am forgetful. Or I chose to be!

"No..."

"Is it because of the row over the low waist denim?"

I wish he was as forgetful as I pretended to be!

"Nope. I really don't need anything else!"

The lady at the perfume counter walks over and introduces herself. She then coaxes him to try on some perfume. Oh- not on him. On me! And after the misty spray settles on the skin of my hand, he sniffs it.

"Mmmm... Smells divine"

I DON'T infer that maybe he thinks the perfume I am wearing isn't good. Benefit of doubt. Or I'll deal with it later. Is Axe the only thing around, is something I wont ask him!

I nod my head. Yeah- it’s nice.

"Do you want it?"

Ok- before you all think otherwise- I'm paying.

"Nope."

He is now convinced something's terribly wrong.

He takes my hand. He's really become fond of the perfume.

The road to the counter is full of distractions.

'New Arrivals'

Copper sulfate blue and watermelon pink. Two shades that catch our eye.

He sees the interest in my eyes. It’s just the color, damn it! Walking over, I flip to look at the label.

Size and price.
I'm paying, remember?
One doesn't fit. And he knows what of the two, exactly.
I walk on...

"Why?" he wails!

I turn around, along with all the people around!

"It looks lovely!" ,and hastily, "You'll look wonderful in it. And remember you wanted something for the party over the weekend? This is perfect!"

I see envious looks from all the women around. Ok- they can have him!

I smile, a little strained by now. "I don't really need it now. Let's go..."

"Oh come on... Why don't you try it on?"

I see suspicious looks from the people around- maybe he works for the store.

"Honey, another time… "

The word reassures them that he belongs to me. The drama once again becomes interesting.

"And you have the perfect accessories for it. Those earrings we just bought, they'd go and so well with this".

Many of the women regret their marriage. Maybe they married in haste.

I laugh to dispel all the unwanted feelings in the air.

Pulling me closer to him, he picks up the outfit and says, "There. Just you look how good it is on you. Isn't it?"

Many disagree, I can see that.

Patting my rump playfully, he adds. "Go try it on. Let's see".

Shriveling from embarrassment, I run to the refuge of the trial room.

I don't give him my purse to carry. Neither do I hand him the baby I don't have, while I try on something!

Taking a few deep breaths to calm me down, I linger longer inside, so that the interested crowd of dissatisfied women get back to their lives.

Coming out after standing blankly, looking at the mirror that mirrors my sullen looks, I step out to an audience!

"Superb!” I hear him yell!

What’s with his volume?! Wincing, I try smiling and walking back into where I was before I became a model on the ramp.

He catches my arm and does a twirl! Kissing me on my lips, he looks at me fondly.

We are in CHENNAI for heaven's sake! And we were only shopping!

After the whole session of display of affection and very publicly at that, S lets me change into my sober yet another grey tee and jeans long unwashed.

We walk together till the counter which is hardly two steps away. Envious looks and smiles from women all around assail me.

They don't see the fact that I am the one who is paying.

I walk away with a dress I never wanted in the first place! And a boyfriend who's turned stranger by the minute!

Now, if alone I lay my hands on whoever it is who's informed the male species that women like pink dresses!!!!!

Why the hell is the woman at Pizza Hut smiling at him now for? Was she in the store? Or is it something I can’t see?!

Any takers for him? He's available at the price of a watermelon pink dress. I have the bill intact.

38 Comments:

Blogger SnM said...

"Men are easier to classify". Is that a feminist speaking here?

Btw, I love my mom-in-law.

2:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cant help but get the feelin of an anita brookner outline readin the post.. strong female character.. weak male chartacters..hmmmm..but there stops the similarity.. great writing style..

btw.. u might have really looked nice in the "PINK" dress..lol

-S

2:37 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Snm: You are JUST married!

S: You talk too much while making love! :p

2:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

awww didnt ya notice she ended up paying for it? how sad. Shes got bored with the guy, cause he doenst let her be and is always predictable.

3:24 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Anon: What a losuy thing to say! S- you didn't hear it!

4:43 AM  
Blogger Dhanush said...

He He - Interesting Read.

"Honey, another time… " The word reassures them that he belongs to me.

Sometimes you do really need the word :)- to make him yours from the world of vultures;)

Any takers for him? He's available at the price of a watermelon pink dress. I have the bill intact.
ROFL

6:14 AM  
Anonymous SilentWaters said...

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I'm glad I'm a man, I just don't give a Damn


Men easy to classify, is because men are just more transparent!!!! :)

7:57 AM  
Anonymous SilentWaters said...

Men are easy to classify......

I guess that is what you might have done, after reading my previous post!!!lol....my humble suggestion...Don't read too much into it ;)....

8:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

was lured in by the title ...
humph

6:46 AM  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

Is there something (or loads of things that am missin out on?) We NEED TO TALK:) How u been? chennai is HOT i hear?

7:27 AM  
Blogger SnM said...

Just married! Yeah, so what? I must say that I'm blessed with one of the best mom-in-laws in the world (You belive it or not) :)

9:49 AM  
Blogger Arvind Iyer said...

Ahh...generalizations and steretypes...my favourite topic!
Mankind's greatest tool for cognition and most potent cause of stupidity...

Lovely article.
I am convinced these are fiction...amm..are they ? :D

9:40 PM  
Blogger aks said...

hey love..men are easy to classify...so do women need to be that difficult???
nice post...the onlooking women in the shop..ur description bout them..it was wonderful.....

2:20 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Dhanush: And the NUMBER of 'vultures' hovering around him!!!

Silent Waters: SEE, this is EXACTLY what I said!!! Men!!!!

Anon: Some people!!!

Arvind: Good! Chennai is HOT!!!!

Snm: Good for you!

5:53 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Arvind: Wanna meet 'S'?

Aks: Thank you sweetheart!

5:54 AM  
Anonymous one among the crowd said...

hi poornima,

the easiest pick was - men are easy to classify -

here is some more women speak -

a) men are like weather - nothing can be made to change them.
b)men are like government bonds - they take sooooooooooo long to mature.
c)men are like commercials - you cannot believe a word they say.
d) men are like parking spots - all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

ridiculous, true, femme speak, so goes the comment. but then men are from mars and women from venus.
pick up - man, woman and relationships by dr. gray. it is quite interesting. but then you seem to know a lot of those (read your) men anyway.

9:49 AM  
Blogger Lost in trance... said...

Woah! Ridiculous. weredyu get this know-it-all 'tude all of a sudden?

if men r easy, dyu think being difficult is the way?
dontyu think thaz a bad thing too?

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this blog sounds like it is coming from a person craving for some attention and publicity!!! Guess, it is a successful attempt!

7:34 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

OAC: Here is what someone mailed me the other day: Men are like toilets. All the good oens are taken and the rest are full of shit! No- I do not agree there, so don't jump on me!

Lost in trance: Ms. Know-All. That's the female version of Mr. Know-All by Maugham! ROFL!

Anon: No publicity is bad publicity. And hell, if its successful- I couldn't care less love!

9:37 PM  
Blogger Dhanya said...

hhhmmmmmmm!!! How true! How true! Trust me!

11:48 PM  
Blogger clash said...

Some Quotes to devour :

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.~Oscar Wilde

All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others.

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

“I have survived two wars, two wives, and Hitler” - Albert Einstein

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

Cant help it.. Thats the way we are :)-

2:33 AM  
Anonymous SilentWaters said...

Ladies and Gentlemen...Let the Gouging games begin!!! :)

Men are like this, men are like that......gosh!!!! :)
We don't care how we are, but at the end of the day, we do love our women very very much!!! Make of it what you will :)

Btw, who is perfect? Women have their flaws so do men, just learn to live with that fact :)

Toilets, gosh...what desp act is that...Can u imagine getting married to a toilet?...which is worse...being one...or living with one ;)...ha ha ha!!

9:51 AM  
Anonymous Another Dude said...

Hey, seriously, well written :-)

7:36 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Dhanya: I do!

Clash: Men- you can't live with them. You can't live without them!

Silent Waters: Ah ah, my knight in shining armor. We love our women huh?! I know! :p

Another Dude: Thank you!

9:04 PM  
Blogger Dolphin said...

After reading your post ...all i can do is smile =)

Excellent!

12:45 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Dolphin: Our profile page could almost be identical!

5:20 AM  
Blogger RefleXtion said...

Hey...just visiting...first time..liked your post...but kinda has too much bitterness for me to handle, why so much compared to your previous posts? It was like a piece by someone else alloffasudden!

8:07 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Reflection: Bitterness???? Boy, wonder where that came from! Nah- it was just a 'break away from stereotype' thing!

8:53 PM  
Blogger Arun said...

Interesting and well written, as usual. But doesn't stop me from completely disagreeing with the premise.

Men tend to shop far more than you'd expect. Be it gadgets, clothes or even furniture! The point is - this kind of stereotyping is a mere farce. The 'Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus' -esque artificial polarisation of human behavior.

Not meant to be bitter here, but must say that the feeling was strong.

2:03 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Arun: My sentiments are quite on the same line lemme tell you. On don't sterotype! But being bitchy et al, it came out in another way I guess!

9:03 PM  
Blogger raka said...

Could not get myself to read the complete blog. But "Women can not be stereotyped" ... thats the most hilarious thing I have heard in ages.
"All women think they can not be stereotyped". Thats the stereotype.

10:57 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Raka: Sigh! I for one am a boringly stereotype kinda woman.

9:17 PM  
Blogger sheebadmello said...

Absolutely lovely!!

I hate it when guys assume they know me, coz they assume they know all women.

But whoever S is, I think he's kinda cute :D

2:02 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Mad_Scientist: S will be delighted to hear it am sure! :))

8:33 AM  
Anonymous meenakshii said...

hey, i know i m pretty late in givin my comments.. but, only tode one o my friends said abt ur blog site..

its an awesome article... even if it may b fiction..
glad to find a like-minded gal

5:51 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Meenakshii: High five! :D

10:43 PM  
Anonymous kerabyte said...

yikes,may be you are the kind of shopper who cant decide what to choose for a very long time and may be he was a guy who was about to miss his favourite reality tv show
what happened to that guy ?

12:13 AM  
Blogger Siva Sankar Panduri said...

Good one .. :-)

9:54 PM  

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