Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Uncelebrated Expectations

I was born not without expectations of course. Thankfully mother hadn't read Great Expectations. Not even the title. Hence like everything moderate in her life, expected quite a healthy child and one that would know how to find his worm. Nothing more.

I took some time coming out. It wasn't deliberate. I was just lazy and very early at that I guess. I wasn't one to go in search of better things when whatever was, wasn't bad!

But rejection is one of the earliest things we learn. Before acceptance.

When the warm bag of viscous fluid threw me out, I fell fluttering and clumsy into the world. The birth.

Then came growing up. The rest of the birds of the same feather I knew, did what everybody did. Grew up. So did I.

I think it had to do with all the tragic novels that my mother heard the farmer's wife read aloud in the warm kitchen that she sat everyday while I grew inside her- cheerfulness was never my forte. I delved and splashed around in the pool of unpleasantness. Splashed would be more than fair a word to describe what I did. Waddled morosely would be more apt I guess. Walking around morosely and sighing often on tabescent, tiny shoulders was me.

Who wouldn't, who'd heard those stories of depression, dysphoria, struggle and treachery of vile humans!!

I was thinner than the scrawniest chicken in the farm. I wasn't bad looking I guess. People always gave me a second glance. Well, it might be in amusement, at the tiny little bird that walked around as if carrying the weight of the whole world, that made them. But I bet they haven’t read 'Notre dame de Paris' and heard Quasimodo's crime which was being born.

Maybe I was a humbug. But well, I wouldn't want to discuss that.

Food was never important. My mother in her unimaginative life taught me how to fend for myself even through the farmer's wife was kind enough and more so- not absent minded enough, to give us tiny waifs food. But I knew where to find food and if you'd cared to come out and look, you could have seen me pecking away dejectedly at the tiny bit of rye bread that was always available. Many a days I went about without eating.

Food repelled me often and anybody knows that a well brought up gander wouldn't throw up on his food.

And I grew so, tall and lanky- all skin and bones. My mother had other children and having taught me all she knew, moved on to cluck over her latest offspring. I never knew a father. He just wasn't talked about.



It had to be so. It couldn't have been otherwise.

I'd seen the farmer's wife look at me thoughtfully the last few days. Looking at her through suffering eyes that knew not what suffering was, I gave her a hurt and resigned look before walking away.

Yes, it had to be so. It just couldn't have been otherwise.

They came looking for me. I wasn't one to put up a fight. There never was a reason to have fought for before.

Survival. My legs automatically kicked and struggled.

Taken to the kitchen, I was placed on the stool that stood almost as high as the fat shoulders of the farmer's wife. Holding my neck, forcing open my bill and shoving a long metal pipe that reached all the way down to my soft stomach, food was forced down my throat. Choking and sputtering I threw up several times. I guess my mother failed in making a gentleman out of me as she always wanted. I wouldn't blame her though.

The hand on my neck was relentless. Food was more repulsive than ever. Shame isn't it, what one eats to survive ends up in killing some others?

Four weeks of overfeeding. Four weeks of waking up each day to wonder at the deeper meaning of life. Or even death. Or worse still afterlife, being served at a smart New York restaurant, in crystal plates, which are soft, white and warm.

The death.

I died at the beginning of the fifth week. Having understood what life, faith, integrity, honesty and everything that actually mattered was, in those 4 weeks than all the years I lived. I guess it is but natural that you move on to the next step after that.

So death it is.

29 Comments:

Blogger Dhanya said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:08 PM  
Blogger Dhanya said...

Ok...but philosophical. But, "When the warm bag of viscous fluid threw me out, I fell fluttering and clumsy into the world."

What are you then? Human or chicken? Am I confused???

Baby, i will read it once again.

But yes, as usual you are in spirits. I don't know why, this time, I was thinking of your mood while you were writing this post. :|

9:10 PM  
Blogger phatichar said...

Metaphysics...hmmm. Nice :)

12:56 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Dhanya: It was mixed emotions as always!

Phatichar: Yeah- first principles! :)

6:23 AM  
Blogger yesbob said...

goose !!

8:04 AM  
Blogger ashish said...

A very nice read. You have a got a sensitive heart and a very imaginative brain.

8:31 AM  
Blogger Photography said...

Hai poornima, its nice to hear that u like my photos and thanx for that inspiring comment that u left.

One thing is for sure u r a real publisher writng posts in paragraphs, but im sorry to admit that i didnt go thru ur post as i am little busy..no offense, but i enjoyed that goose pic thats looks really funny :-)

8:43 AM  
Blogger Amrapali Rai said...

Your use of words is good, need more variety in ideas..

11:48 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Yesbob: Gander!

Ashish: You are too kind to me!

Photography: You DO take lovely pictures! The goose pic was supposed to be a tad sad!!!!

Amrapali: Lol! And for once I thought I was writing something different in subject!

1:49 AM  
Anonymous csk said...

Your intense writing stirs something in me.Deeply moved and shaken....

7:01 AM  
Blogger yesbob said...

oh yeah, I just read it again and noticed ..

2:56 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Csk: Thank you!

Yesbob: Hmmm...

6:23 AM  
Blogger Sujit said...

nice post..!! yeah we keep moving on to the next step!!.. after another one..

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank god I got back to being a veggie before reading this post!!
boo hooo hooo....sob...sob...sob....quackkk!
Gaakkk!! Chokee..Sputter!!!Phooeit!!......Bloat...bloat...bloat....ZZzing!! Slash....splash....silence!!!
"Hello there...you've just entered the lobby of the after-life!"... And Akashvani spake! :p

5:31 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Sujit: Thank you!

Sharat: Don't you dare tease the poor poor gander!

6:32 AM  
Blogger Arun said...

What goose up comes down :-D

12:00 PM  
Blogger Sunny said...

Half the post, I thought this was abt a human.

The remaining half, I realised this wasnt abt a human.

At the end of the post, I thought... maybe this applies to humans too.

Life goes on :-)

12:47 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Arun: Lol!

Sunny: You couldn't have got it better!

6:33 AM  
Anonymous one among the crowd said...

hi poornima,

it has been some time since i took a peek into your blog. lo there it is once again. what a life? is it really true?? well nothing gets bigger than death, does it, other than birth.

carry on writing. it stirs, simmers,...sautes, and then the stench of rancid skin brings back memories, one has to live with - with joy cause they have been conquered.....have they!!!

9:31 AM  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

Highly impressive as always...Every action has an equal and opposite reaction (concept for ur next post) and well great things happening...Loads to tell u...REPLYYYYYYYYY

11:36 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

OAC: I actually missed you!

11:37 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Arvind: Will do!

11:37 PM  
Blogger Kraz Arkin said...

Bird flu.

12:23 AM  
Blogger the_free_soul said...

to die b4 dying is to be truly happy ....and i see the catcher in the rye in u who has started living in the present and understanding the games that ppl play.

1:34 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Kraz: Nope.

The free soul: Salinger. Whew! Really, it isn't anything a teeny bit as much!

1:59 AM  
Anonymous Prashant Kumar said...

sad and thought provoking... makes me feel even more glad that i am trying to turn a veggie now... it does hurt to see/hear how we brutalise paavam gander for grub... the ending hits the bull's-eye... death is the ultimate truth, the final frontier... keep it coming poornima ji...

11:33 AM  
Blogger A.G.Sudarshan said...

Profound!

12:03 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Prashant: Go green!

Sudarshan: Its all about integrity.

2:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Today is my lucky day :)
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10:00 PM  

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