Sunday, May 21, 2006

The begining

It rained the day I was born. An unexpected Libran rain. Kottayam Medical College found itself walked on by women with lifted skirts and men with their mundus hitched higher than the high it already was.

Mother must have screamed, her first and perhaps only emotion when concerning me. And I cried for I hadn’t wanted to be born.

After the many nurses touched me, cleaned me and handed me over with forced emotion to my mother’s mother. It was she who first held me. I’d fallen asleep in her arms, tired from my journey.

Taking one look at my not so pink cheeks and the lower half of my body that was wrapped snugly in a clinical white Turkish towel, she’d prayed that my father wouldn’t be too unhappy. The first born being a girl.

Father was too drunk with joy and alcohol. He couldn’t have cared less. He was a father. A product of his elaborate efforts at love making with his dark and passive wife. Perhaps he wouldn’t have to go through the act of sex with her after this. He hoped so.

Before handing me over to him, my grandmother had pinched my cheeks to make them redder. And I’d woken up to cry in protest. Through his red eyes, father held me uncomfortably and awkwardly. When placed into his hands that formed the most uncomfortable cradle ever, he looked at everyone around foolishly.

Already in a strange land, I was moved from place to place. I’d stopped crying because I was tired of crying too- yes, even then.

The last person to hold me was mother. And when she did I’d realized, she hadn’t wanted me born either. The hostility and hatred penetrated through the warm folds of the blanket and making an effort through all the fear I felt, I’d screamed; terrified.

How do I know all this?
Because I know everything. That’s the curse I am born with.

55 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Phew! Lady, you CAN write!

10:08 PM  
Blogger Xoff said...

To the you who writes this

If you are born with the curse of knowing everything, also know that we are but human, with our endless failings. So forgive us. Make sure that the love you make will be for love, and the children that are born will be the product of love and nothing else.

Life is too short to hold on to everything that you know, some things are better let go of.

10:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Painfully, powerful and sad!
wot can I say...I'd have put this scene comically as usual! :p

11:45 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Anon: Well...

Xoff: Alas for human fallacies!

Sharat: Long time!!!

12:24 AM  
Blogger Dhanush said...

Do we share the same Birthdate ? Or you a Libran?
Nicely Put in, but
And when she did I’d realized, she hadn’t wanted me born either. The hostility and hatred penetrated through the warm folds of the blanket and making an effort through all the fear I felt, I’d screamed; terrified.


Can any mother do that ?

6:15 AM  
Blogger aks said...

hey love....heard bout a word called positive....sorrry dear cant help it but..found this blog unnecessary...have a feeling ive lost the you i know...wake up...live life dear..

9:56 AM  
Blogger Lost in trance... said...

Sometimes I think I have that curse too.

...and nice pic.:)

2:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW!! Beautifully written. Every single word seemed perfectly chosen and placed to evoke the maximum emotion.
I respect the fact that you like to go to places and talk about things that many others are hesitant to do...and that you use 'I' and 'me'..instead of 'her' or 'she'.
- mp

3:46 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Dhanush: I am a Libran, yes. This was an 'excerpt' at something I'm writing- a longer version. Dunno how it'll shape out, but this is a 'chapter'. Wanted to see what emotion it evokes, whether I have managed to get across what I wanted- hence posted it here.

Aks: Read my comment to Dhanush.

Lost in trance: :)

Mp: Its always been easier writing in first person. That in turn has a lot of negative things attached to it, like many people reading 'me', into what I write. But well, you can't have it all.

8:41 PM  
Blogger Dhanush said...

So did you manage to get across what you meant ?
Its always been easier writing in first person.

There is a article by M.T. Vasudevan Nair called "Kaathikante Kala" where he explains the nuances of writing shortstories, how he wrote some of his famous stories, especially stories that happened around him. May be it will help you. He is talking about the firstperson, third person things in that.

9:44 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Dhanush: Am not sure if I managed to get across what I meant. But I liked the reactions. Which is fine enough for now. And thank you, I'll surely look up what you've suggested.

11:11 PM  
Blogger phatichar said...

Another 'the world according to Garp?'. Well written..

11:52 PM  
Blogger aks said...

hey love ... this whole thing is kinda diificult for me to accept... everytime i read ur posts..this thing keeps lingering in mind if i should link the writer in you to the person tat i know as YOU... i have tried not to .. but then since i know u well enough as a personal friend... i stand helpless at the end of the day wondering where i have lost you??? u are cheerful and confident...felt tat u held a good control of ur life....but the sheer Negativeness of ur recent posts are kinda worrying.. why do u have to be so negative...for i feel so..see i agree that u have gone through a lot....even more than anyone could possibly think of..but life is that way..its never fair or right(like a neigros left ball). its our attitude towards life that matters...it could change your course of life...make it a better one..rather than saying that life is not treating u good .. make an effort to make life treat u the way u want it to..and am sure for a person like you...life will change its course to make you feel better.... i even dont know if i should be saying all this utter crap here....my sincere apologies for taking a bit too many liberties and typing out this crap....(please remove this comment) ..... love u ..

1:15 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Phatichar: He he! That was a compliment if there ever was one!

Aks: I, as a person who writes and just a person could be two different entities. If there is a 'negative' influence in my writing, that's deliberate. If you were to read this in a book- how would you react to it? That's the kinda thing I want achieved by writing- not a sympathetic hand, a boost in morale or things of the same kind. I see that there appears a clash between an image, a writing and a person. There are all interlinked, but not that dependent too.

1:34 AM  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

The I don't like cats for the previous post had a different meaning. Anyways...wonderfully written as always.
Have asked u once and have asked u a million times, u write and i make it into a movie..:) Take care and how bout a mail?

1:52 AM  
Blogger aks said...

hey love...say what..i stop reading thine blogs and wait for that Book thats in the making..... but still then i would react the same way i guess..maybe cause i KNOW U Personally... if i had known Pauolo Coelho, or Sashi Taroor or MT , Anita Nair or Vikram Seth , personally...maybe i would have reacted similarly with them.... inspite of my anonymity...i fear to publish lot of things...my inner feelings....cause i am inhibitious about this response that u are relishing....maybe thats wat makes the difference between a tru writer and the others.....seperating urself from the real u....but still both being the part of each other...

2:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The writing has moved from sheer pondi, to sheer profanity. Poorni has graduated.

4:56 AM  
Blogger Dhanush said...

@aks,poornima
MT once said - "Swanthakaare Patti Katha ezhuthunnavan ennathanu enikku kittiya ettavum valiya paraathi".

Its true. People don't like to be said about them or about whom they know. But to a writer, I think, its all about making that character a good one. Then it may or may not hurt some one you know. But people should realise that there can be some difference in the author and the first person or they may be two different entities as Poornima put in. I as an author may not have gone through all the experience which I write. Most of My Frustrations are based on some sort of experience which I have seen around or gone through. It may be contributing a 10 %, rest is the upto me or any other author. So let the person as a writer and the person as some one you know, stay as it is. Give them the freedom to excel personally and creatively.

5:08 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Arvind: I got the cat (fight) comment! Movie... hmmm... lets see!

Aks: You are bound by walls you set. It takes time, but only if you try breaking down walls of vulnerability- can you move out. Given a choice between writing what I feel like and writing thinking/catering of who reads me- I'll chose the former.

Anon: Throwing my graduation cap in victory!

Dhanush: Thank you. :) If the 'noevl' happens, I am making no compromises at any point. I couldn't care less about getting it till the publishing house. It would be an act of affirmation for my love of writing, if at all it gets done with.

5:14 AM  
Blogger thelearner said...

I only write this because you said you were looking for reactions and that this was part of a larger effort.

Well written..!

There a couple of "I'd"s that would be better off being a simple "I". And the last line is too dramatic for my taste to be in the prologue of a good book :).

But then that may just be me. Plus, I am not a "good" writer (def not as good as you) by any stretch of imagination!!

my 20 paise :)

4:43 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

The learner: Thank you for all those inputs. :) The last line has a significance. Not meant to be dramatic. The whole 'plot' revolves around that.

9:01 PM  
Blogger Xoff said...

hmmmm.... its starting to make sense now

10:07 PM  
Blogger REVerenD said...

well i sure say you have the ablity to hold the reader spellbound!!!

1:58 AM  
Blogger clash said...

Gluck! Seems like The vicious father is the villain; Did i spoil the plot?

5:30 AM  
Anonymous Vinod said...

Hi Poornima, this was quite a revelation and frankly you have touched an emotional chord that no one usually dares to. I only hope that your intention of writing this was to evoke responses and is not truly reflective of your frame of mind. I applaud the writing and the boldness. The bottomline - cheer up and take care of you. Hang in there - you are surrounded by a family of well-wishers.....

5:41 AM  
Blogger Shinu Mathew said...

If this is any indicator, the novel will be a bestseller :)
As for 'negativity', it's the writers choice, whether they want to convey a message to the society, or not to be burdened with all that crap and just do what they are best at. Write. I think you fall into the latter.
Best of luck with the novel. Lemme know when you complete it. I would love to get a copy.

8:55 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Xoff: :)

Reverend: Well, I think your blog needs to be updated. What say?

Clash: Thankfully it wouldn't be that sterotypical!

Vinod cheta: Oooh... no revelation et al! Fiction! I have a very loving family and I am very thankful of the same! :)

Shinu: :) It might not become a 'novel' except in the sense that, for once I'll have an integration between chapters. And thank you for the feedback!

9:46 PM  
Blogger Praveen said...

Your writing can easily evoke any emotion that you feel it should with the reader. Great prose.

11:45 PM  
Blogger Xoff said...

I am just slow :-(

12:24 AM  
Blogger Dev Nair said...

I have read this piece and the comments that followed and your response. Marcel Proust had made a brilliant observation regarding the selves in a writer:
"ignores what a very slight degree of self-acquaintance teaches us: that a book is the product of a different self from the self we manifest in our habits, in our social life, in our vices. If we would try to understand that particular self, it is by searching our own bosoms, and trying to reconstruct it there, that we may arrive at it".

Thank you.

12:37 AM  
Blogger Dhanya said...

:) Dis was gud! :)

"Because I know everything. That’s the curse I am born with."

...loved it!

1:00 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Praveen: Long time. Why you not blogging any longer?

Xoff: Oh, come on! Of course you aren't!

Dev Nair: Wow!

Dhanya: I alternate between pleasing you n making you mad!

4:56 AM  
Anonymous Minati said...

Hi,

I have been reading your blog for a while now... to say i love it, is a mild way of putting it. I always wanted to write but can never seems to put words as beautifully as you do. Every post touches a nerve sometimes a happy one sometimes a sad one. You have the power to say what you feel and say it so beautifully that it leaves me wanting more.. so many times when i read something that you have written, i feel thats what i feel.. i dont know you but i feel like i know you as you have my feelings.. I am sure most people who read your posts feel like 'thats me she's talking about!'.

Anyway just wanted to say your writing is awesome and keep it up.

1:03 PM  
Anonymous Reshmi said...

Very touching post !

"I’d stopped crying because I was tired of crying too- yes, even then."
"Because I know everything. That’s the curse I am born with."

1:24 PM  
Blogger Praveen said...

I didnt have anything to say for the past 5 months, anyways I have put in a post yesterday :)

8:14 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Minati: What you've said is among the best things anyone can say to me! :) Thank you!

Reshmi: Thank you!

Praveen: Ah... ok.

11:43 PM  
Blogger mathew said...

oh..that was a blow-ur-mind-out kinda blog...very strong and touching!!!

6:11 AM  
Blogger raka said...

Holy crap!
1) Libra or Zebra it always rains in kerala
2) Too cynical to be of any good
3) Why am I even bothered?

10:21 AM  
Blogger Arun said...

Nice!

And I love the image!

A

5:58 AM  
Blogger seriously_frivolous said...

Thanks for the memories!

11:13 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Mathew: Thank you! :)

Raka: 1. Really? 2. That was the intention. 3. Well...

Arun: *Hug*. Guess what...? Platform!!!! Will mail you about it!

Seriously frivolous: I sure hope you don't share any memory mentioned here!

9:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm.. you know everything so then I'm reconsidering saying anything but then you'd have known that.

So tell me ... you know what im talking about...

on a serious note, the curse of exsistance haunts us all. Its the same curse you, I & everyone alive bears day in and out.

Peace..
G
http://g-thisisme.blogspirit.com

12:21 AM  
Anonymous one among the crowd said...

hi poornima,

when it is in the first person, it definitly becomes easy to get into the skin of the character. one woven out of no strangeness. the writing is fabulous. it has brought out the women, her past, her present and the future, viewed within the the current indian social specturm. but then the experience can be shared by girls across the globe - (does religious culture play a role?) - within even amongst the so called modern day society. The writing discerns from making us sit on the judgemental seat on the self. good writing. may your style evolve further. the hard hitting and smacking lines show the intensity of emotions (that helps). go ahead lets read more.

2:57 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Girish: My crsytal ball says, you are all excited about becoming an uncle! You better be!

OAC: Look up the maganize "Platform" in the stands. It has a story by me- yeah, one on the blog. But my first print one! :)

3:47 AM  
Anonymous one among the crowd said...

hi,

couldn't reach out to platform. trying to. which one was it that got printed?
could feel the joy in you. there is much greater in store cause your style evokes response and a lot more. just keep writing.

5:18 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

OAC: Baloons! I am happy. But I some how thought I'd be happier. Sigh!

9:49 PM  
Blogger Pritika Gupta said...

Beautiful post..just too good..

1:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A meloncholic symphony - good one.

5:01 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Pritika: Thank you! :)

Anon: Nice words...

5:17 AM  
Blogger Verya said...

All I can say is WOW! As a striving writer myself, you surely are wonderful. You said you wanted peoples reactions. Mine: I literally cried throught the whole thing. And a good cry is...well...good.
Thank you for that touching post.

11:39 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Verya: Am glad to see your reaction. Which doesnt mean am happy when you cry! But it was something I hoped would be! :)

10:01 PM  
Blogger deepthi said...

Good style.
hmm...felt a whiff of Salman Rushdie ( one of my fav authors)in it. Keep writing.

5:37 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Deepthi: I could hug you for that! Hell, *hug*! There, I did it! :))

8:36 AM  
Blogger Siva Sankar Panduri said...

Good one ..

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