Friday, June 23, 2006

An apology to remember

I loved him. Which is why I died the other day.

A scar feels real between two places.

I’m wandering already. This is about how I died and I better stick to the topic.

I wasn’t like others. The only person who scared me was I. The things I thought of. The things I was capable of doing. But one can’t run away from oneself.

I won’t go into the past. Because it is so relevant. And somehow it makes me feel less guilty. I don’t want that. Wallowing in guilt. No self pity. Never.

Marriage. I was married to him by many threads.

I hadn’t been but discreetly unfaithful. I had demanded. I had cried. I had innumerable accepted fallacies. I was most often if not always; wrong. I wasn’t pretty. I wore make up twice a day. Once in the morning. Because that’s the thing to do. Again in the evening. To cover the tiredness. I picked his calls on the second ring. His mom cooked better than I. I moved from a woman to his woman. That’s when I panicked.

If he hadn’t walked back into my life… somebody else might have. Or maybe not… But that’s just wishful thinking.

Else I wouldn’t have pushed him to her. He hadn’t realized it. I used his guilt to cover for me. Like stealing bed sheets.

I could smell her on his shirts. That made my baths reasonable.

I could see his hands shiver on picking up a call. That made my cell phone bill reasonable.

I wouldn’t have left him. I loved him.

He was honest enough to admit his affair. Of course I knew it. I’d wanted it that way. But I hadn’t wanted him admit it.

It made me feel small. How I hated him for that. Things had been fine. Just the way I’d wanted.

He was stupid. An affair isn’t worth killing oneself for.

He died. And left me alive. That’s when I died.

39 Comments:

Anonymous One more said...

Can't run away from oneself. Yes.

Married by many threads.

Using someone else's guilt like stealing bedsheets.

And so many more. Lady, you ROCK!

5:08 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

One more: Thank you!

6:49 AM  
Blogger Dev Nair said...

Oh yes, getting
A man to love is easy, but living
Without him afterwards may have to be
Faced. A living without life when you move
Around, meeting strangers, with your eyes that
Gave up their search, with ears that hear only
His last voice calling out your name and your
Body which once under his touch had gleamed
Like burnished brass, now drab and destitute. - Kamala Das, The looking glass.

Do you think it delightful when one discovers parallels in creativity?

8:34 AM  
Anonymous SilentWaters said...

Is it just words, or does it go any deeper?....I cringe when I think deeper!!!..

10:07 AM  
Anonymous Aparna said...

Yet another master piece. I loved it. keep it going!

1:15 PM  
Blogger sp said...

hmmm....

8:52 PM  
Blogger Shinu Mathew said...

keep going. nice work!!!

9:13 PM  
Anonymous Poorni said...

"He was honest enough to admit his affair. Of course I knew it. I’d wanted it that way. But I hadn’t wanted him admit it.

It made me feel small. How I hated him for that."

"He died. And left me alive. That’s when I died."

Really Really Beautiful Poornima!

12:32 PM  
Blogger raka said...

my condolences are with you.

3:17 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Dev: I am not sure if I like Kamala das the way I should!

SilentWaters: Writing. Period.

Aparna: Thank you! :)

Sp: And it means?

Shinu: :)

Poorni: Thank you! :))

Raka: Lol! Don't need any!

9:50 PM  
Anonymous V.C. said...

Brilliant stuff! You're gifted and feel so fortunate to know you. How is that book coming along?

2:52 AM  
Blogger mathew said...

I won’t go into the past. Because it is so relevant.


Should it be like.
I won’t go into the past. Because it is so irrelevant.

splendid craft!!!You have a unique brand of writing!!

5:21 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

V.C: Book is at a stop for now. Time theera illa! :(

Mathew: No. It was deliberate. In the sense that if the past was to be talked about, every action can be justified somehow or the other.

5:32 AM  
Blogger sparsh said...

How do understand marriage so well I wonder. I am still trying.
love your work!
-A

9:09 PM  
Blogger sparsh said...

How do u understand marriage so well I wonder. I am still trying.
love your work!
-A

9:09 PM  
Blogger Poornima said...

A: Its easy to talk about it!!! Once in it- I wonder if I'll have the same clarity and nonchalance!

9:48 PM  
Blogger Lazy strokes said...

Love can always be what one ever hoped for, when you're in it. You might even be surprised by the things you could never even hope for, when u're really in it.

Strange that the case with marriages can never be the same!

Hmm... creepy, isn't it?

1:19 AM  
Anonymous one among the crowd said...

hello pooornima,

fabulous choice of emotions.
still get a feeling of "stranger to self"! the self deception wasn't meant to be?
one of best posts in recent times. keep writing.

1:47 AM  
Blogger Zealous Zygote said...

I am also not like others.The only person who scares and is till scaring me, is myself.The things I do, and the things I am capable of! Lady,I have forgotten already about blogging and commenting, but you make me comment... Wonderfully written.

2:17 AM  
Anonymous Shreesh said...

i ve been reading your blogs for the past one month and i ve read almost all of them now... this is my first comment and i just need to tell u... (no i won't write it coz everybody keep on repeating the same...i dont know.. ) ok this is getting wierd...!! bbye

3:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was lost in those words...
This could be the last chapter, the final words of yet another PVij book yet to see the light of day!! ;o)

been a while lass...and a lot's happened!

patiently await some time to exchange...pleasantries at least ;p

P.S> we r yet to discuss the book I gave you?! And, I might want to re-read that one!! ;D

5:20 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Lazy Strokes: Love, marriage, reality- parallel worlds!

OAC: still in the never ending process of self-discovery.

Zy: How can you forget blogging when am still alive and writing? :p

Shreesh: Well, let me just tell you I quite understood what you didn't say. :)

Sharat: Call me! And what if I tell you the book's missing? :(

6:22 AM  
Blogger Pritika Gupta said...

as usual.. gr88 work poornima..

12:24 AM  
Anonymous Shyam said...

Am posting a comment after aeons - couldnt really pass this without posting a comment atleast - BRILLIANT - to say the least... easily one of my favourite posts - the style, the pic, the one-liners - e'thing about this post is impeccable - u rock!

1:39 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Pritika: Thank you! :)

Shyam: He he! Thank you bro!

5:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

heya, wassup
-ye bob

7:41 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

K: How you doing?

10:04 PM  
Blogger sp said...

It means I am lost for words. :-)

10:47 AM  
Blogger aks said...

hey love....captivating lines...well expressed emotions....but U not being pretty...well i didn like that line...

10:31 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Sp: :)

Aks: Cardinal rule- its not always about me! :)

8:46 PM  
Blogger A.G.Sudarshan said...

:) ... Perfect balance between Reel life and metaphors! :)

11:25 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Sudarshan: 'Real-life' too, maybe! :)

10:04 PM  
Blogger A.G.Sudarshan said...

Of course, Of course... 'Real life' too :)

3:52 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Sudarshan: You spoil me by agreeing! :D

1:41 AM  
Blogger deepthi said...

Beautiful!
Keep writing..

5:15 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Deepthi: Hardly am I finding the time to. But thanks.

10:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you! » »

7:25 PM  
Anonymous StillLearning said...

Hi,
Accidently came across your blog. Cannot resist reading one after other; bit addictive I guess. thats a compliment :-).
"He was stupid. An affair isn’t worth killing oneself for." makes me tap my keyboard for the first time ever as a response to a blog. Was that just a poetic statement stemmed out of your own over-creative (that too is a compliment) mind or was it really from reality. Just curious. Either way, I am forced to relate to it.

3:02 AM  
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11:44 PM  

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