The shadow of your smile
He was still sleeping when I woke up… That happens all the time... I wake up to anything. Nothing actually. What I mean is there need not be a reason for me to wake up. And there are times when I can go back to sleep almost immediately… and there are the other times when sleep eludes. The latter, they are difficult…
Today was a ‘difficulty’…I looked at him. He was sleeping without a care in the world. I really couldn’t see his expression in the dark. I didn’t have my glasses on anyway… so I bent closer…
The faint glow of the street lamps that so adorned Chennai…that lit his sleeping form... I looked at him. There was a freckle I’d never seen… there was a mosquito bite too… I wanted to touch him then… but I didn’t want to wake him up in the process…
Sleep proved elusive. I propped up a pillow and leaned back. It was then that I heard the rain outside. So, I didn’t wake up to ‘nothing’.
The rain was beating furiously against the window… what a racket… but I liked to hear it… it felt very alive and furious…. It could also have been alive and happy…. The rain felt very like an Indian woman with anklets at her feet- anklets with silver bells on it. She walked slowly and there was a gentle sound. She ran and there was more…. Now she danced….
Lots of thoughts came flooding in. I like it when that happens. I’m scared of the blank moods that I have. I feel nothing- no happiness, no sorrow, no hope, nothing at all. It’s during these times that I am scared… it’s a terrible thing you know, not to feel…
There was a flash of lightning… the whole of the city …as far as the eye could see; lit up…
I loved the lightning too… I love the way they light up everything for a second and then plunge the whole thing into darkness again. But this time the night would be darker…
He was like that too…. He came into my life and brightened it for the time he was in it… He had to move on… and my like would be darker than before… I had the choice… to see the world for the second that it would brighten or close my eyes at that moment so that I wouldn’t have to face the darker darkness….
I wanted to see… I wanted to feel… I wanted to love and be loved.
So I chose… I chose the shadows that the lightening would cast… electrical shadows… but then, I would be happy too, for I saw, however short it was, whatever I wanted to….
Today was a ‘difficulty’…I looked at him. He was sleeping without a care in the world. I really couldn’t see his expression in the dark. I didn’t have my glasses on anyway… so I bent closer…
The faint glow of the street lamps that so adorned Chennai…that lit his sleeping form... I looked at him. There was a freckle I’d never seen… there was a mosquito bite too… I wanted to touch him then… but I didn’t want to wake him up in the process…
Sleep proved elusive. I propped up a pillow and leaned back. It was then that I heard the rain outside. So, I didn’t wake up to ‘nothing’.
The rain was beating furiously against the window… what a racket… but I liked to hear it… it felt very alive and furious…. It could also have been alive and happy…. The rain felt very like an Indian woman with anklets at her feet- anklets with silver bells on it. She walked slowly and there was a gentle sound. She ran and there was more…. Now she danced….
Lots of thoughts came flooding in. I like it when that happens. I’m scared of the blank moods that I have. I feel nothing- no happiness, no sorrow, no hope, nothing at all. It’s during these times that I am scared… it’s a terrible thing you know, not to feel…
There was a flash of lightning… the whole of the city …as far as the eye could see; lit up…
I loved the lightning too… I love the way they light up everything for a second and then plunge the whole thing into darkness again. But this time the night would be darker…
He was like that too…. He came into my life and brightened it for the time he was in it… He had to move on… and my like would be darker than before… I had the choice… to see the world for the second that it would brighten or close my eyes at that moment so that I wouldn’t have to face the darker darkness….
I wanted to see… I wanted to feel… I wanted to love and be loved.
So I chose… I chose the shadows that the lightening would cast… electrical shadows… but then, I would be happy too, for I saw, however short it was, whatever I wanted to….
posted by Mrs. Dalloway | 3:11 AM
3 Comments:
I remember reading this somewhere. Beautifully told. Thank you Princess.
'Anonymous' : You were the first to read it... Am glad you like it...
I could relate what you were saying so well Poornima...I have at times wondered why I dont ponder the darkness trying to know its depth when I am with him...even though I know I cannot get too far with him..................
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