Sunday, July 31, 2005

I dwell on maybe

It was ideal. He liked her. She liked him. They could talk. And she wanted to. He obliged she guessed and he wanted to too she hoped.

He was just out of a bad affair. She was... well, out of an affair. 'Relationship', if you don’t find that word comfortable.

She enjoyed today with him. Tomorrow she stored up conversations to repeat to him. The day after existed too, but not very clearly. That's the closest to 'Constance' she’d been.

For a person who wasn't able to love someone whom she was in love with, being faithful had never been an issue.

For someone who was self protective, he didn't want to love. And he wasn’t sure if he wanted her to love him. He might be unfaithful.

Everyone except the two of them knew it was love.

She really didn't know. She knew she could. She didn’t know if she already had.

He didn't know. That's what he said. Or pretended.


She knew she was being unfaithful. She didn't love him. Couldn't. He was nice and all that. But he wasn't him. Unfair, but that's how the mind works.

Conversations were minimal. She liked it that way.

Her husband wondered why she was the way she was. He wondered if she was having an affair. But she'd always been like this. Damn women and damn her.

Conversations were getting to be more and more. And she knew as time had moved on, she'd customized him to mirror her own thinking of who he was. His answers always pleased her. If alone her husband wouldn't insist on dinner conversations, she might as well have been living completely with him.

Sex wasn't a sin. Making love was. And making love when it didn’t exist was 'sinner'. She hoped the fires wouldn’t be too hot.


He remembered her. When he picked up a book. Watched the rain... He didn’t remember how she looked like. Not very well. But yes, her.

He never dwelt on maybe. Conversations he could have with anybody. And she'd loved him too much. And she wasn't woman enough to hide it.

There were many before her. After her too. And that's all her remembered of her. A milestone of books and late night phone calls.

His wife wondered which of those 'hers' he was now thinking of. She'd seen enough books with different names and different inscriptions on them. She'd never managed to progress beyond touching the long dried inked handwritings on the pages and wondering if they were all very pretty and intelligent. It bothered her so much, that she never asked. That was his cue. Which he never took.

He was faithful. He couldn’t bother to be otherwise.


Blogger clash said...

"may be" :dichotomy personified!

11:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your best ever.


12:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heck! am running out of words for praise...but yeah! as anon-'K' says, this is your best....yet! ;o)

1:44 AM  
Blogger pDd said...

its funny how all that is left of some people is just that...a milestone of books and memories of late night phone calls...
you just summed up my life in that one line...

2:59 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

Clash: Mind and body when translated to fact and fiction. Respectively. Or maybe not.

K: Someone I love said, "Shows that when you really are honest with yourself the difference appears so clearly in the work, and that is true for everyone." I so agree.

Sharat: Yet. More to come... maybe not.

Pallavi: Part 2, you and I can do without.

3:51 AM  
Blogger manuscrypts said...

@the comment to K.. after this, i would tend to agree.. need to try it out some time, to see if i am being honest to myself...

4:37 AM  
Blogger ManojChandran said... pallavai said.. "you juz summed up my life in few words.. rain..phonecalls...."

'n u r amazing as always..


6:29 AM  
Blogger pDd said...


7:20 AM  
Blogger Winter said...


10:51 AM  
Blogger tcr_79 said...

Toughie post to read... The Kotler seems a much simpler book to comprehend... (confused and perplexed)

11:19 AM  
Blogger pDd said...

to tcr: all kotlers should be banned...they don't teach you nothing!
blogs like these should be used as reference points instead...the world needs lessons in humanism, not the 7 P's of marketing!

12:47 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

Manu: Take one from me too, "Never be as honest with others as you are with yourself"

Mannu: Dont be this kind to me. I could get used to it.

Winter: Thank you.

Krish: Kotler taks about marketing management. If at all anything I am talking about its about mis management of life! Poornima- there, my name has a P too!

Pallavi: These B school guys never learn. Cant help them girl!

9:16 PM  
Blogger hope and love said...

you r getting better and better with each post..

1:25 AM  
Blogger aks said...

hey poornima....lovely post...pretty intense ...being honest to oneself..always.. i find tat difficult...

4:00 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

Hope and love: Thank you.

Aks: Difficult yes. Not impossible. And it could become a habit. Try and tell me.

4:06 AM  
Blogger tcr_79 said...


I understand what you are saying but it would be wrong to say that Kotler does not teach you anything - i would not go for a strong sweeping statement like that - not to a person who is regarded by most of the fraternity as a "Marketing God" and whose books are considered the "Bible of Marketing" and is used as a reference book at the best of B-schools

Not that I am a big fan of Kotler - or I am supporting him - I am not!

I found the post abstract - loaded with meaning and difficult to comprehend and a simple country fellow like me finds it difficult to comprehend - was not finding a flaw with the writer of the post (which I guess is what you thought).

So I said that even the Kotler (which I used to find difficult to understand) is easy - I think you got my comparison wrong

Last but not the least, there are different parts of life and you should try to have a balance in it - too much of anything would affect the person... One has to balance both ones pratical side as well as emotional side of life...

And lastly - Kotler talks about 4P's of marketing - the other 3 P's I guess were added in services marketing... and that was not by Kotler - Kotler has coined upto 14 P's of marketing which in addition to the existing 4 were: probe, partition, prioritize, position, politics, public opinion, people, process, presentation and profitability

7:22 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

Krish: Eda ----! You didn't have to take a class on my blog!

8:51 PM  
Blogger Praveen said...

Is it because I am in the midst of a pretty complex novel that I find this post too complex ;). Too many "she"s and "he"s, I had to read this twice to get it :).

6:41 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

Praveen: 4 characters. Take it from me, never read 100 years of solitude! Or if you do, tell me the story!

7:16 AM  
Blogger pDd said...

you just made me realise that dropping out of B-school wasn't a bad decision after all...
but thanks for the gyan, nonetheless...
and there's a P in my name too!!

10:02 AM  
Blogger tcr_79 said...

poorni - Ok! I'm keeping quiet...

And see Praveen also says the same :) so I am not the only one who felt that...

12:39 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

Pallavi: Krish graduated from an IIM. And hence the offence taken to Kotler and the existance of P's in our name!

Krish: Hey, am writing for myself. People can read me if they want. Understand me if they can. Am not going out of my way trying to help them. And for people who've got an idea of what I've written, they've gotten a VERY clear idea!

9:18 PM  
Blogger pDd said...

to krish: peace? :)

2:00 AM  
Blogger aks said...

hey love...
ive tried being honest to myself...i had to cause my profession demands worked out very well to my benefit..but then being honest to myself ALWAYZ has proved to be a tough proposition.....

4:25 AM  
Blogger tcr_79 said...

Ok ok - Poorni. I get it that I did not get it while others got it:) hope you got it:)

And when did I take offense to P's in your names :)

Pallavi: sure... peace, no offence meant... Lets not fight on Poorni's blog - she will kill me - she has already bought a gun for the same... And she is coming soon!!!

9:45 AM  
Blogger pDd said...

alright then..cheers to that!

11:10 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

Hello- what's this? Quibbling on my blog, patching up, drinking together??? Krish, I sure will kill you! Missed the opportunity when you were in Chennai!

9:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


not a comment about this post.

i don't know why i love the pictures you have posted on your blog. if i had a camera i would want to take exactly those pictures, but how often are we able to do what we want.

in any case, i love them and also your writings though i have just read this post and glanced through others. i cannot comment now as i don't understand this post, but i love many things without completely understanding them (at least now i do so, after coming across another person that does the same).

i will read other stories you have posted, and will comment on them, if you don't mind that is.

thanks for this wonderful blog. you can call me cze.

10:07 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

Aks: We'll talk about it soon.

Cze: i love many things without completely understanding them . I do too. And sometimes maybe that why... Thank you for the comment- that meant a lot to me. It is a compliment of the highest order and I'll look out for you on my blog henceforth.

10:26 PM  
Blogger pDd said...

LOL!! :)
its not like u can't join in...drink up girl!!

11:34 PM  
Blogger tcr_79 said...

When i fight - you want to kill me, when i patch up - you still want to kill me...

You just want to kill me - alle

6:50 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

Pallavi: With Krish???? No way. It was with great difficulty I shooed him off to the US!

Krish: Athey! Seriously.

And pls- you guys take all your stuff and talk in your own respective blogs!

6:53 AM  
Blogger Jake said...

'life was a milestone of books and late night phone calls' ... 'that was his cue, which he never took, he was faithful, he couldnt bother to be otherwise'

wow. *if i knew how to put a smiley here it'd be one looking at you, both palms raised up facing forward, and then plams and head bowing down and getting up and bowing down and getting up and ..*

10:35 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

Jake: Lol! Nope, don't! Am laughing hard at your description of the act! Lol!

8:59 PM  
Blogger Jake said...

er .. ? i never realized that smiley could be so funny.

11:06 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

Jake: The smiley which wasnt there, wasnt the funny thing. It was the description! Anyway, the simplest of things tickle me...

1:10 AM  
Blogger Jake said...


9:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was a nice post!

8:53 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...


9:02 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home