Monday, May 02, 2005

When the wind was green...

I wish I could run away…

When I was younger and the wind was green, it was one of my pet wishes to run away- into the sea. I guess I picked up this fond wish of mine from some book I would have read….

Run away and do what? Hmmm…. For one- I wouldn’t have to slave over homework. I didn’t slog much anyway- I had innumerable friends who would write a few lines of my work- but the net result was a myriad picture with different curves and stores and a legion of mistakes!

Oh I got caught! And so many times… Reports were written in my blue diary which went on like:

“She is so capable. A brilliant child if there was one. But her laziness has to be curbed. She never does her homework and she gets her friends to do it for her. Kindly see to it that she does her homework at home”

In those days of handwritten notes- my teachers weren’t able to highlight the words ‘home’ in bold!

I scrawled my father’s name at the bottom where there was some space for “parent’s signature”, after showing dad the diary. He never cared much for stuff like this. Had it been a report which said I was cruel to some animal or child, I had lied or stolen- I don’t know how he would have reacted. He would have been hurt I think… and must have felt he failed as a father….

During my growing years of 13 and 14, I was very much in demand. My friends went through varying degrees of crushes.

“Dear Ram”
“My own Amit”
“My dear dear Chukku” (what a name!)

So went innumerable letters I wrote to various guys- the signatures at the end of the letters differed. And oh yes- the content too! I surprised myself at my own prowess at writing sentimental and romantic stuff. I wrote every letter differently… When I was at a loss for words, daddy helped me out!!! Mom never knew- both of our unspoken decision on the lines of, “Some things in life are best left unsaid…”

I stayed at home all though school- quelling my desire to run away whenever it cropped up.

It cropped up again when I joined my wretched Engineering college. I threatened mom at all times with , “Just you wait… I’ll run away!”

I remember I called her up once from a phone booth near my college. Her favorite question during that season was, “From where are you calling?”
Phone booth- was never appreciated. That once I said cheekily, “From Coimbatore”- which was hours away from my college!

Mom didn’t speak anything for a few seconds, after which she plaintively told me, “Come back home…”

I realized with a start that she actually thought I’d run away! And mom with her limited experience with run away females and her even limited imagination, actually thought someone who ‘runs away’ would call up and tell her where from they call up!

But I realized too that I was always a constant source of worry to her. She understood me well enough to understand that I never understood myself… I was constantly torn trying to prove to myself what I was …and I would end up disproving it all…

Years later… my wish crops up again… to run away. I am fed up with the place. I am fed up with the traffic and pollution of Chennai. I am fed up with the people I see everyday…

Parties never interested me. My not-yet-3-month-old job hasn’t proved to be the solution… Loss-of-pay and going home wasn’t the answer too… I hate crowds. Of late, I can’t even carry on a decent conversation with people.

I hate these phases… and they seem to be occurring all too frequently. Having no idea what you want is a terrible thing.

Running away… hmmm… but I realized, the one thing I want to run away from is the person I am… from myself… but darn- it just keeps coming with me wherever I go!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wanna run away too... to whom I dunno, to where I dunno... all I know is that I wanna run away... but then as goes the saying: "You can run but you can't hide" I end up asking myself, wot's the purpose of running away afterall..?

4:13 AM  
Blogger Kraz Arkin said...

I am never in favour of running away from anything. Sorry. Oh ok maybe from relatives and snakes. But nothing else.

7:12 AM  
Blogger yesbob said...

travel.leave a part of your world behind. take some of it with you. step out of your

10:51 AM  
Blogger sthapak said...

Deal with it, conquer it and then move on... Running away is relative. The river will flow, dont try stopping it -it will flow anyway !!

9:43 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

Anon: I'm not trying to hide...

Kraz: From anything? From oneself too?

Yesbob: Thank you...Someone I love told me this too- travel. That's the panacea.

Sthapak: Am flowing with the tide most of the time. These are ocassional bursts of rebellion... I'll get tired fighting it all and flow on for a little longer... and then a few quick strokes against the tide... and then again...

9:09 PM  
Blogger manuscrypts said...

happens to all of us in varying degrees.. some of us run away, some of us conform and accept.. but until we have an answer for what we want, existential pangs will continue.... actually we dig our own grave by giving ourselves lot of choices....

2:04 AM  
Blogger josh said...

Yeah..I've had this shade of thought in the backyard of my mind that my triumph is going to be at the end of a train journey. Maybe just a feeling. But so far life has proved me otherwise.

Take care Poornima..

11:45 AM  
Blogger glimmer said...

this was like reading me, i had the feeling to run away, i always had it, and i still do. but i thought i must be crazy to think so. i had a choice of places to go to...but know what? i am still planning to, just waiting for my first sal to reach my hands...! :) am new here, came thru kuts dhanya. and it was a pleasure reading u.

12:01 AM  
Blogger arvindiyer said...

Hmmm Been really quiet when I read all ur earlier posts..But this one..I can't just read it and pretend that I have nothin to say..
*clears throat* All of us are in search of something or the other..for a lot it is also SOMEONE or the other...And I never thought u have it in u to QUIT and run away from something..U are a strong person and U have to remain that way...Instead of runnin away which takes a lot from u, why don;t u try walkin instead?
AND IF U REALLY wanna run away...come to b'lore there is the B'lore marathon happenin on the 15th of may...

12:29 AM  
Blogger cactusjump said...

Learn to love the questions. :)

1:21 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

I wanted to run away to some place when I was young... Now- I want to run away from myself... Which in other words mean- from the person I am, from the past, from the pain, from everything that makes me ME.

Its a confused phase... It will pass... it better pass!

Manu : Acceptance is one thing. Loving that and living on is another... Damn- I'm getting all philosophical!

Joshua: May your journey be longer and the triumps more regular...

Dhanya: Oh man- please dont tell me I am propagating the wrong message!!

Arvind: Just you wait until I see you, you wretch- lean dude with an attitude!

Cactusjump: Oh I love the questions... especially when I am the one asking them!

9:58 PM  
Blogger L said...

Oh I strongly support u..!!! Do run away sometime...but plz keep blogging...!!!

11:39 AM  
Blogger none said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I was a kid, I never knew that I could run away;
Now, that am grown up, I dont know whether I can run away...

11:02 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Dalloway said...

PP: Now we are scared to run away even from closed doors.

2:17 PM  
Anonymous KERABYTE said...


12:51 AM  
Blogger niks said...

These pictures r simply awesome!!!!

8:42 PM  

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