When the wind was green...

I wish I could run away…

When I was younger and the wind was green, it was one of my pet wishes to run away- into the sea. I guess I picked up this fond wish of mine from some book I would have read….



Run away and do what? Hmmm…. For one- I wouldn’t have to slave over homework. I didn’t slog much anyway- I had innumerable friends who would write a few lines of my work- but the net result was a myriad picture with different curves and stores and a legion of mistakes!

Oh I got caught! And so many times… Reports were written in my blue diary which went on like:

“She is so capable. A brilliant child if there was one. But her laziness has to be curbed. She never does her homework and she gets her friends to do it for her. Kindly see to it that she does her homework at home”

In those days of handwritten notes- my teachers weren’t able to highlight the words ‘home’ in bold!

I scrawled my father’s name at the bottom where there was some space for “parent’s signature”, after showing dad the diary. He never cared much for stuff like this. Had it been a report which said I was cruel to some animal or child, I had lied or stolen- I don’t know how he would have reacted. He would have been hurt I think… and must have felt he failed as a father….



During my growing years of 13 and 14, I was very much in demand. My friends went through varying degrees of crushes.

“Dear Ram”
“My own Amit”
“My dear dear Chukku” (what a name!)

So went innumerable letters I wrote to various guys- the signatures at the end of the letters differed. And oh yes- the content too! I surprised myself at my own prowess at writing sentimental and romantic stuff. I wrote every letter differently… When I was at a loss for words, daddy helped me out!!! Mom never knew- both of our unspoken decision on the lines of, “Some things in life are best left unsaid…”

I stayed at home all though school- quelling my desire to run away whenever it cropped up.

It cropped up again when I joined my wretched Engineering college. I threatened mom at all times with , “Just you wait… I’ll run away!”

I remember I called her up once from a phone booth near my college. Her favorite question during that season was, “From where are you calling?”
Phone booth- was never appreciated. That once I said cheekily, “From Coimbatore”- which was hours away from my college!

Mom didn’t speak anything for a few seconds, after which she plaintively told me, “Come back home…”

I realized with a start that she actually thought I’d run away! And mom with her limited experience with run away females and her even limited imagination, actually thought someone who ‘runs away’ would call up and tell her where from they call up!

But I realized too that I was always a constant source of worry to her. She understood me well enough to understand that I never understood myself… I was constantly torn trying to prove to myself what I was …and I would end up disproving it all…

Years later… my wish crops up again… to run away. I am fed up with the place. I am fed up with the traffic and pollution of Chennai. I am fed up with the people I see everyday…

Parties never interested me. My not-yet-3-month-old job hasn’t proved to be the solution… Loss-of-pay and going home wasn’t the answer too… I hate crowds. Of late, I can’t even carry on a decent conversation with people.

I hate these phases… and they seem to be occurring all too frequently. Having no idea what you want is a terrible thing.



Running away… hmmm… but I realized, the one thing I want to run away from is the person I am… from myself… but darn- it just keeps coming with me wherever I go!