Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Letter to a lover who loves me no longer...

This was one of the innumerable letters I've written but never posted... You know who I have written to... I know who I have written to...

Why did you do it? Why? Did I not love you enough? Didn’t I amuse you, entertain you enough? Wasn’t I caring enough? Why then…?
Was it…was it that SHE loved you more? Never…never can anyone ever love you more than I do…. did I mean. Useless issues at this point of time…but still…
You knew it didn’t you, as to how much I loved you…
I was so happy. For once in my life I was truly happy. I wanted to be a part of your life ever so much…
True, it was only I who felt all these. You always played safe. Nevertheless, I’d made my feelings clear, didn’t I?
There were ever so many dreams…. so many wishes…so many prayers…
The postman would see a girl flying towards him, a trifle breathless, with expectant eyes and ask him, “Any letters?” Smiling his toothless smile he would then hand over your letters to me. Ah…even he understood.
All of a sudden they stopped -your letters I mean. Still I continued to run to collect the post and ask hopefully, “Any letters?”. Sure there were- for the others at home. Handing over the pile, the postman would regretfully mumble, “No… not today…”. Keeping my chin up and biting on to my trembling lips, I would smile and run inside…lest the now unstoppable tears flow out…
You never told me…hints there were, but I was too blinded by love too see them then. Now, it’s only them that I can see. Do you know how I felt when I heard about…about you and HER? I could not believe it…I still cannot. Why…?
Is she prettier? Where did I fail? What did I do wrong? What did I lack? Why did you do it…?
Do you know the number of times I’ve run behind strangers who to me looked like you? Ah, the number of people who look like you…. Do you know that the mere mention of your name makes my heart skip a few beats? Each time I passed your house, I would resolutely turn my head the other way- but in my mind’s eye I could always see you, hanging by the gate…
Do you know the number of times I’ve asked your friends and acquaintances, as if I never cared, as to how you were, where you were, what you were doing…? Do you know the number of times I’ve thrown abuses at you in front of others- when at the same moment, hearts of hearts I’ve apologized a thousand times?
Do you realize the hurt? The pain? Those terrible sleepless nights? The sorrow? The frustration? The longing? The emptiness? The loneliness? The sense of failure? Each of this is just words to you- I lived through each!
True, you never promised me anything. You might easily ask me “Why love me so…. when I don’t care a damn about you?”. Ah…it isn’t that simple. Just because you ditched me, dumped me and walked out of my life- unceremoniously…. how do I stop loving you? Love is no bargain. Love is no deal. My love was true and so for a long, long time I continued to love you…
Do you realize how much I have changed? Gone is my innocence. Gone is my feeling of trust. I live on…in a world where I am suspicious of everybody and everything. I firmly promise myself, “Never, never again will I let anyone hurt me so…”. Do you realize how scared I am of loving again? Do you realize how much a part of me you have taken away?
Lastly, do you know how much I hate myself for having loved you? How much I hate myself, because a part of me, no matter how much I try, still continues to love you….?"


Blogger Thirtysomething said...

Just started blogging myself. You are doing well. I symp[athise with your need for closure. It is decidedly ungentlemanly behavior to leave a woman with no explanation or opportunity to say goodbye. Try not to worry too much...

I did not find the right woman to marry until I was older than you. Now I am very happy with 2 children.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Goldilocks said...

sweetheart...love u da...but then dont u think u have tomove on...and not think of him and her any more..u know dear that am there for u...and i have only one wish if at all there is a next birth, u should be the guy and me the gal...and we would be perfect for each other...dont u think? i miss u lots!
love u!

5:38 AM  
Anonymous sajan said...

sajan loves U.

10:28 AM  
Blogger Cheeru said...

Maktub !!! But you know, life never waits for anyone. It just moves on. And yep, time is the best healer !! It heals everything. So I suggest to close the door behind you and open your eyes to see how beautiful the world is !!!

3:47 AM  
Blogger Sujith said...

As Robert Frost says "Life can be described in three words.. It goes on "
So chill !

6:41 PM  
Blogger Reva said...

This genuineness is what I like most in you Poornima. As you said, only people you love can hurt you... but dear lady, this guy doesnt deserve your love one wee bit. 'this too shall pass'.. just hang on.. cheerfully!

4:35 AM  
Anonymous nisha said...

Have you ever . . . ........

Have you ever been lost in the mist?
Have you ever found temptation so hard to resist?

Have you ever tried to cry, but your tears don't seem to bare?
Have you ever wondered why life is never fair?

Have you ever loved so much you thought you would die?
Have you ever questioned the reasons why?

When words don't seem to matter anymore
And a heart is nothing but an open door

When you let someone in, only for them to walk right out
Was that your fault? Is that what love is about?

Why are decisions sometimes so hard to make?
Why is a heart so easy to break?

Sometimes I think that love is just a lie
Because you learn the truth as time passes by

Heaven is merely a footstep away
Do you live for the future, do you love for the day

Do you prey for the moment or the road ahead?
Do you lye in misery all alone in your bed?

Loneliness is sometimes better to keep
To avoid the world before you fall too deep

I often want to give up this fight
It doesn't change my fears, I fear both day and night

To be broken like a window, shattered like glass, to let in the rain
I can't bare the cost I won't take that pain

So i'll walk away and think of nothing but sorrow
And hope my days are brighter, i'll look forward to tomorrow

Have you ever . . . ........

2:50 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

I havent replied to all the comments for this particular posting...

To all, all I have to say is... I wish I moved on... Somebody push me!!!!!!!

3:55 AM  
Anonymous anonymous bosch said...

When you come to the end of everything you know, and the next step is into the depths of darkness of the great unknown, you

must believe one of two things: Either you will step out onto firm ground or you will be taught to fly.

Shine on...

10:53 AM  
Blogger Poornima said...

Anonymous bosch: You move on leaving a huge part of you behind. Maybe lost too.

9:05 PM  
Anonymous Poorni said...

Too late to comment on this post. But this letter reminds me of myself :)

11:34 AM  
Blogger chitra said...

Aaah..... you have just said what I wanted to say for a very long time...

12:44 AM  
Anonymous isha said...

really nice.....straight from the heart

11:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am afraid to read your posts. It's as if, my alter ego is writing in the name of poornima.

3:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it is hard to let go of the past
if you have not learned from the past.
As soon as you learn and let go you improve the present.

6:22 PM  
Blogger Pushkal said...

A very well expressed Love Letter straight from heart,,,,,!!
It was really a good Post...Awesome

7:51 AM  

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